For those of you who genuinely don't know, here is your guide to public transport etiquette. For of you who already know all of this and yet still persist in this behaviour. This is your little pop up reminder.
Public Transport Etiquette.
Im not talking about giving your seat to the crippled, pregnant lady here. These are the REAL public transport issues and should be considered inappropriate and avoided at all costs.
1. Eating bodily excretions of any form.
wax
snot
dead skin
nail clippings
dandruff
pimple puss
scabs
crust
eye crust
any kind of crust.
Please. For the love of god. Stop.
It's not appropriate to eat any of these at any time, ever. Yet the amount of facebook status' I read involving my friends being forced to observe someone's revolting bodily cuisine ritual is incredibly disturbing to say the least. Some might even say permanently scarring.
2. Reading 50 Shades of Grey.
Whooooaaaaa. Sloooow down everyone! We've got a real badass over here!
Not only is whipping (ey! ey!) out your shiny new copy of this the most unsubtle, desperate, attention seeking maneuver ever invented, the reality is that you're just making the rest of us extremely uncomfortable. For me it's not just because of the graphic sex that I KNOW you're reading and thinking about (to me, reading this in public is pretty much the same as standing up in the middle of the aisle, waving your hands and yelling 'Hey everyone, Guess what! I'm thinking about butt plugs and vibrators right now!!') it's also the abhorrent standard of writing you're forcing me to be in such close proximity to.
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| Was this how that book was written? I'm not going to lie. I tried the whole 50 Shades thing. I couldn't even make it to the first sex scene. |
3. Being a 'Wet' sniffer
Nothing is worse than the wet sniffer. I'm not talking about when you've just sneezed and need a cheeky sniff to restore equilibrium to your body. I'm talking about consistent, fluey nostril juice which you're trying in vain to keep from dripping on the person in front of you's shoulder. Look Dude. I know it's disgusting feeling all that mucus in your throat. But if this is you. And you're on a crowded bus for 40 minutes. You are obligated to have to sit there with your head tilted back for the entire time. Take one for the team amigo. Your snot. Your problem.
4. Sitting beside someone if there is an empty seat available
It is never appropriate to infiltrate my personal space when there is a perfectly available empty seat three rows back UNLESS (and this is a big unless) you KNOW for a FACT (and by this I mean you are a regular along this exact route, at this exact time, on this exact day) that the bus/train/ferry is going to achieve sardine status and people will at some point be forced to fill EVERY SINGLE SEAT and eventually stand.
If this is the case, go ahead. Choose someone nice looking and safe to sit next to. Because if you chose an empty seat your seat-mate will be luck of the draw.
Yes, if you don't chose to sit beside the nice, slim, unobtrusive, quite Asian lady then you will be subjected to the will of the public transport gods and after all of the above desecration of their temples, somehow I don't think they're feeling very kind.
