List of things to do when you're cold

The Cold List

After two years of running frantically away from winter, the threat of an approaching cold-front has made me freak out just a little. Especially as, in this current weather which everyone is calling 'warm' I am freezing.

It's cold.

I am cold as soon as I wake up. The other side of the pillow holds no comfort for me this time of year. In fact. I curse it's existence. Whoever thought having a cooler side of the pillow would be a good idea?

I am cold as soon as I get out of the bed. Even when I put my dressing gown and slippers on. Not only do I feel like I'm an eighty year old woman, I am still cold.

As I eat breakfast I hunt for the small patches of sunlight which drift in the windows. If I find one I try to stake it as my territory but usually the psycho bitch cat hisses and snarls at me to move and I back down.

*Recoil! *

So.

I've come up with a list of things to do when you're cold.

These are both things I do and things I'd like to try. Please feel free to test them out and let me know how you fare? To assist, I've designed a 'cold scale'.

10. I am uncomfortably warm

9. Thanks! Great advice! I'm not cold anymore. In fact, I've forgotten what cold even feels like!

8. I am at a comfortable equilibrium

7. I am not cold

6. I am still slightly cold


5. my fingers and toes are uncomfortable but my torso is okay


4. I am shivering sightly


3. I am shivering violently


2. My lips have turned blue and I cannot feel my extremities.


1. I have frozen to death motherfucker. Thanks a lot.

THE LIST OF THINGS TO DO WHEN YOU'RE COLD:

1. Cuddle someone (9)
   
   
2. If someone is not around to cuddle, skype them and use the heat of the laptop to warm your stomach (8)
   
   
3. If no one wants to skype you until you laptop heats up to an unhealthy amount, wait behind a corner until someone passes by. Grab them from behind and tie them to you. Steal their body heat (Note: this requires some fore- planning. Rope, duct tape etc) (Also note: This technique is also known as 'nonconsentual cuddles' and should be approached with caution) (Although remember! No does not always mean no! ;) ) (9)
   
   
4. lie in a ball in a very visible and preferably narrow and congested space (a doorway to a house is a great option). Place your hands behind your knees and lock yourself in. Refuse to move until someone cuddles you. Extra points for jehovahs witnesses or the post man (4)
   
   
5. Make some soup (2)
   
   
6. eat some soup (10!)
   
   
7. Put some blankets around your body and make yourself into a human taco (8)
   
   
8. If you're too lazy to find the blankets, just have a hot shower until all the hot water is gone (9)
   
   
9. If you're too lazy to stand up, have a hot bath. (10)
   
   
10. If someone has already used up all the hot water, go into a freezing cold lake (wait for it) and sit there until you literally cannot feel a single follicle on your body, then head to a cold shower. Enjoy the scalding sensation. (10) (of course, if you don't time this just right it could easily be a 1)
    
    
11. Eat a chilli (10)
    
    
12. drink some tea (8)
    
    
13. hold your cat/dog hostage inside a blanket with you. Consider their ability/likelihood to claw/bite you before you dutch oven them. (5)
    
    
14. Touch hot plates for infinitesimally small amounts of time in multiple succession (7)
    
    
15. learn the 'single ladies' dance (well, any Beyonce music clip will do really) (10)
    
    
16. Seal together your pants, shirt, arm holes, socks etc with duct tape. Eat 3 cans of baked beans. Wait. (8)
    
    
17. Put in a load of washing. Hug the washing machine while it does its job. (Productive!!! YESSSS!) (6)
    
    
18. Put your cold hands on the backs of other peoples necks (6)
    
    
19. Hot water bottle it up! (8)
    
    
20. Buy a furnace and build it up until it is 'roaring'. Then sit by it. Preferably in some kind of period outfit and with some knitting or something handy. (9)

So thats my list.
Let us never be cold again

Crazy little thing...

I'm tired of pretending. I am tired of hiding my true inner nature. It's been leaking out a little more frequently these past few years, and so those who have only known me recently, like Stef Sullivan, might say that I don't even try to hide it at all.

But here it is.

I am a corn factory.

No. Not that kind of corn. Although I do love that kind of corn too.

But I mean corny-ness corn. The type of corn which makes most people want to shrivel up and cringe and be like, 'no...you did not just say that...'

The type of corn which may make some people uncomfortable with being my friend.

Its time to come out and admit that this is me:

I just have a lot of feelings

When I'm happy, I don't want to just be happy, I want to be GUSHING WITH HAPPINESS!! I want to grab peoples hands and spin them around, and look in their faces with a big looney tunes smile and just be like

'I'm sooooooooooooooo happy about this!!!!'

When I'm sad I want to be picturesquely sad. I want to wrap myself in a furry blanket and sit on the floor in front of a roaring furnace (note to self, buy furnace), with my hands around a mug of hot cocoa and weep salty tears in streaks down my face.

Does that make you want to vomit a little bit inside your mouth?

Too bad! I LOVE that!!

(note: if this makes you uncomfortable you may want to stop reading now. It just gets worse)

In fact.

I love love.

There. It's out there.

In the 20 years of existence when I have sought NOTHING but knowledge *cough, cough* I have come to the conclusion that being in love, loving people and being loved yourself are among the best and most important experiences you can have in this world. I also feel that todays society has made a mess of love. Love often gets confused with lust. Love is belittled by the enormous amounts of pop songs and stories which get factory pumped out all year round. Twilight killed love (I'm sorry 13 year old Elyse. But creepily watching someone sleep and a downright obsession with being with someone is not love).

Love needs its name cleared.

I am here today, to stick up for love.

Love is not restricted.

If you love someone, you just love them. Not even in a romantic sense. I'm sick of having to stop myself from saying that I love someone. You know what? I love...no... I LOVE my friends. Society has not constructed a word which doesn't make me bisexual in an extremely open relationship for how much I love my friends. Does that make sense? As in, society can't understand how someone can love both their male and female friends with such intensity that it doesn't become romantic.

SOCIETY IS WRONG.

Like Laura, the only teenager I have ever know who treated (and still treats) her parents the way they're meant to be treated. As friends, who have feelings and opinions, who have life lessons and wisdom, and who can be best friends. Bron, my oldest most fabulous friend. Everything about us is just perfect. I couldn't design someone I need more in my life. James. You are the epitome of the perfect human being. I can't even describe how much I admire you. Joel. You're the brother I never had. You've stuck up for me, got punched out for me, made a fool of me, laughed with me, helped me, I just...gahhhhh

I love you. I love you all. I love you so much.

To my sisters. Sara. We don't always get on. But we don't have to. I'd do anything for you and I still worship you in the way only a younger sister can worship her older one. Danielle. I don't know anyone funnier and more untouched by the world. You are sunshine and ice cream and the cool side of the pillow in summer.

Stef. I have never enjoyed the company of one person so much for so long. I laugh So. Much. When we're together. Alyse. You are so creative and determined and independent. I love to just watch you work and talk and decide. Oscar. I can't even think of words to describe you Oscar. You are everything you should be at this point of your life. Anthony. You, in all 7 billion whatever people in this world, are in the top ten of my favourite people. You just ARE. I can't even describe it. Shaun. Again, up there in my top ten favourite people. You enter a dark room and there is instantly light. Bill. You are so much happiness and fun inside one body. Its stupid. I am so excited to see you soon.

And my darling Jilly. I am excited to watch you grow up. I am so proud to be a part of your life. I just love talking to you!!!

GOD THERE ARE SO MANY MORE I CAN'T EVEN DESCRIBE. WHY CAN'T I STOP WRITING IN CAPS LOCK!!??!!??

Like my fantastic cousins. All of you!!! Chris and Nee and Tom and Matt and Dave and Ben and Alex and Nick. You're just all hilarious! So talented and sporty. I love every minute we spend together.

And the girls! I just adore you all! Rosie, who is doing the same course as me and makes me laugh every single day, Lucy who has defied everyone who ever called her weird and kept being on weird anyway. You. Are. So. Fabulous. Lizzy, who wants to adopt every single animal in the world. Katie and Bernie who are so talented! I JUST LOVE YOU GUYS.

And then my amazing overseas friends

Like Scott who doesn't realise how rare it is to meet a person who redefines who you want yourself to be in life. If I ever become something half decent, a solid 80% of that was inspired by you. Or Olivia. You're so passionate and emotional. Its such a beautiful thing. We both need to stop apologising for being like that. Its so beautiful and god given. Jennie, my fabulous roommate who broadened my horizons. You are so Jennie that I can't believe it. The beautiful Corinna. My god. If everyone could be a little less themselves and a little more Corinna then the world would be a much better place. Her partner in crime Carrie-anne. My god. If everyone was a little more like Carrie-anne and a little less themselves, this would be a much more terrifying world. You are crazy girl!Then there's my beautiful friend Katy. Finding her true strength in such a shitty time. And just...rising above it all in such an impressive form. Ric. You're so loveable, so stubborn, so easy to share banter with. Too easy to miss. I hate you for that. Trevor. All that I learned from you is invaluable and you've left a definable inprint in my itunes. Rachel. I wish we'd bonded even sooner than we did. We have so much in common. I can't wait to see you soon. You're such a free spirit.

I literally could go on, and on, and on, and on. And I haven't even started on my parents yet. Or my grandparents. Or my Aunts and Uncles. Or theatre people. Or netball people. Or camp people. Or HvZ people.

I just LOVE all of these people.

If I could put everyone together in a big house my life would be complete.

And of course, there's Jake. And I don't want to make this a big soppy love letter (because god know I send you enough of those) (its the drugs :P) but how that love sorted itself out into what this is, I'm not really sure. I'm learning so much from you but among a lot of things I'm learning how to be noble. And that is so exciting, and challenging and just....

uuugghh. I can't wait to see you.

Dear all. I'm not even going to apologise for this post. It is what it is: love. 

Latest Obsession - Game of Thrones

My family and close circle of friends will tell you, I'm kinda into fantasy films.

Okay. I lie.

I'm totally, embarrassingly obsessed with Lord of The Rings.

I once had a movie marathon where I forced about 10 of my friends to sit through all 3 movies, directors cut editions, back to back, without sleeping. I even brought down a squirt bottle of water to punish anyone who fell asleep, much like the way some people train their puppies.

(Needless to say, I don't have as many friends anymore)

I have done the Lord of the Rings tour in New Zealand and have a poster of New Zealand framed in my room marking all the Lord of the Rings filming sites.

I take unparalleled delight in using obscure movie references in my day to day life. For example, just this morning:

'Oh Jaz. You look so cure there at the door. 

But no. You can't come in. You hear that? You shall not pass!'

Or earlier, when I was home alone for 10 days as my family tramped off around the globe without me. Towards the end I took great delight in heading to the nearly empty cupboard and groaning in sorrow.

'We ain't had nothing but maggoty bread for three stinkin' dayyyysssss'

Making a trip to the bin regularly becomes an act of casting the rubbish 'back into the fiery chasm from whence it came' and poor Danielle is often thoroughly creeped out by being called 'my precious' and creepily stroked on the head.

So...Maybe I have some issues.

My point is. I love Lord of the Rings. But recently there has emerged a strong contender for the battle of my obsession.

Game of Thrones.

Not only does it have Sean Bean playing a fantastic, grimy, long haired, sword wielding lord (again) but it has horses and dragons and swords and torture and fire. Not to mention an extremely witty dwarf and the fact that at least for five of the main male leads I would happily let myself deliberately get locked in a tower or something just so that they could come and save me.

It's just like Lord of the Rings but with more politics and the sex scenes we always wanted to see between Aragorn and Arwen (or was that just me...)?

The point of all this is.

You know what? There is no point.

Just go watch both of these films/series and your life will be greatly enriched as you can clearly see mine has been. That is all.

Train Poetry

Whoever said commuting couldn't generate creativity?

Us

Let's ignore the fact we're ignorant

disregard our disrespect.

Let's cover our covetous nature

and not despise sin we detect.

For our minds are weak and wither

and we can't control our parts.

Like a tiny wooden sliver

fear finds ways to stab our hearts.

Here are those who are embittered

soft skin hides a shell of steel

see a world thats grey and littered

merchants tell us how to feel

And every insult that has hurt us

Every gift that silence stole

Every lie told ever deeper

Has left a scar upon our soul.

We are a people of forgetting

Never lessoned to forgive

and in the heart of life, this dark mess

We've forgotten how to live.

Teach me again the light of children

of magic worlds in dull of day.

When I've reached the brink of breaking

please reteach me how to play

Someone reach into our deepness

and pull out what is within

for I know there's goodness lurking

suck the poison from my skin.

In the cities and the country

banish shadows from our prayers

we surrendered far too meekly

and what was ours fast became theirs.

Now let us reclaim our freedom

Dust our hearts upon the shelves

find our thoughts, our words, our actions

And through this reclaim ourselves.