1. No pooping in a public bathroom.
I don't care if you've just eaten a whole packet of liquorice and washed it down with a carton of prune juice. I don't care if you've been prairie dogging all day. I just don't care. No pooping in a public bathroom. Just. Don't. Not only is it awkward for EVERYONE around you, who you are literally forcing to listen to you poop. But it is awkward and uncomfortable for every single following person who uses the stall for the rest of the day. And just downright unfair on the cleaner.
Don't do it.
2. Men: You are the big spoon.
Some advice from my good friend Ed
"It is completely un-chivalrous, as a man, to want to be the little spoon. Be a man. Cuddle that woman! I don't care if you get a dead arm, a face full of hair and an awkward boner... You just do it."
- Spoken like a true man
3. Women: Laugh at a man at your own peril.
Unless, of course, he's trying to be funny.
4. Luggage across countries.
The amount of extra weight you're allowed to take on board a plane has a simple formula:
Attractive male at counter + smiling and hair twirling = extra 5 kilo allowance
Unattractive male at counter + smiling and hair twirling = extra 10 kilo allowance
Fat lady at counter + smiling and hair twirling = minus 10 kilo allowance
5. Manners.
At the risk of sounding preachy, the importance of good manners cannot be exaggerated.
Eating out? Keep your mouth closed when you chew.
Transport? Keep your legs together, bag on your lap or by your feet, and don't force the whole bus/train to listen to your conversation.
Accidental confrontation with ex in public space? Say a quick hello, or at least grin from the side of your mouth. Even if you only ever accidentally dated them.
6. Holding the door.
Analyse the appropriateness of this situation. If the person behind you is simply too far away, you're forcing them to do this awkward walk/run for the door and look up at you with forced appreciation as they grunt 'thanks' from behind a sweaty brow. That is less polite then just shutting the door behind you.
7. Appearance.
You can get away with looking bad. You can NEVER get away with smelling bad.
8. Phrases to use with extreme caution...
a) Wow. You look tired
b) How many calories are in this?
c) Are you pregnant? (This one should in fact NEVER be used unless you can ACTUALLY SEE THE BABY COMING OUT)
9. Swear Words.
Cussing has its time and place, but often you'll look better, win your argument, improve your vocab and save friendships if you refrain. Use the big impact words sparingly, and they'll have a bigger impact.
10. Expense.
Never buy an expensive: umbrella, dog or phone. You'll only lose it, have to deal with a whole bunch of inbred problems, or smash its screen. Honest. Also, I get completely paranoid when my smartphone stalls and takes ages for the screen to load. WHAT IF IT WAS AN EMERGENCY? WHAT IF I WAS STUCK IN AN AVALANCHE RIGHT NOW?? HOW WOULD I CALL FOR HELP??
On the other hand, don't skimp on things like: Good food, good times with friends, and a really good bra. The important things in life.
11. Extras.
If you pick at it, it wont heal.
If you want someone to like you, let them win.
Also, if in doubt, the milk is always off.