List of things to do when you're cold

The Cold List

After two years of running frantically away from winter, the threat of an approaching cold-front has made me freak out just a little. Especially as, in this current weather which everyone is calling 'warm' I am freezing.

It's cold.

I am cold as soon as I wake up. The other side of the pillow holds no comfort for me this time of year. In fact. I curse it's existence. Whoever thought having a cooler side of the pillow would be a good idea?

I am cold as soon as I get out of the bed. Even when I put my dressing gown and slippers on. Not only do I feel like I'm an eighty year old woman, I am still cold.

As I eat breakfast I hunt for the small patches of sunlight which drift in the windows. If I find one I try to stake it as my territory but usually the psycho bitch cat hisses and snarls at me to move and I back down.

*Recoil! *

So.

I've come up with a list of things to do when you're cold.

These are both things I do and things I'd like to try. Please feel free to test them out and let me know how you fare? To assist, I've designed a 'cold scale'.

10. I am uncomfortably warm

9. Thanks! Great advice! I'm not cold anymore. In fact, I've forgotten what cold even feels like!

8. I am at a comfortable equilibrium

7. I am not cold

6. I am still slightly cold


5. my fingers and toes are uncomfortable but my torso is okay


4. I am shivering sightly


3. I am shivering violently


2. My lips have turned blue and I cannot feel my extremities.


1. I have frozen to death motherfucker. Thanks a lot.

THE LIST OF THINGS TO DO WHEN YOU'RE COLD:

1. Cuddle someone (9)
   
   
2. If someone is not around to cuddle, skype them and use the heat of the laptop to warm your stomach (8)
   
   
3. If no one wants to skype you until you laptop heats up to an unhealthy amount, wait behind a corner until someone passes by. Grab them from behind and tie them to you. Steal their body heat (Note: this requires some fore- planning. Rope, duct tape etc) (Also note: This technique is also known as 'nonconsentual cuddles' and should be approached with caution) (Although remember! No does not always mean no! ;) ) (9)
   
   
4. lie in a ball in a very visible and preferably narrow and congested space (a doorway to a house is a great option). Place your hands behind your knees and lock yourself in. Refuse to move until someone cuddles you. Extra points for jehovahs witnesses or the post man (4)
   
   
5. Make some soup (2)
   
   
6. eat some soup (10!)
   
   
7. Put some blankets around your body and make yourself into a human taco (8)
   
   
8. If you're too lazy to find the blankets, just have a hot shower until all the hot water is gone (9)
   
   
9. If you're too lazy to stand up, have a hot bath. (10)
   
   
10. If someone has already used up all the hot water, go into a freezing cold lake (wait for it) and sit there until you literally cannot feel a single follicle on your body, then head to a cold shower. Enjoy the scalding sensation. (10) (of course, if you don't time this just right it could easily be a 1)
    
    
11. Eat a chilli (10)
    
    
12. drink some tea (8)
    
    
13. hold your cat/dog hostage inside a blanket with you. Consider their ability/likelihood to claw/bite you before you dutch oven them. (5)
    
    
14. Touch hot plates for infinitesimally small amounts of time in multiple succession (7)
    
    
15. learn the 'single ladies' dance (well, any Beyonce music clip will do really) (10)
    
    
16. Seal together your pants, shirt, arm holes, socks etc with duct tape. Eat 3 cans of baked beans. Wait. (8)
    
    
17. Put in a load of washing. Hug the washing machine while it does its job. (Productive!!! YESSSS!) (6)
    
    
18. Put your cold hands on the backs of other peoples necks (6)
    
    
19. Hot water bottle it up! (8)
    
    
20. Buy a furnace and build it up until it is 'roaring'. Then sit by it. Preferably in some kind of period outfit and with some knitting or something handy. (9)

So thats my list.
Let us never be cold again