Life Etiquette

I am always astounded by how clueless some people can be. So I've decided to write this little list about life etiquette, little things I've picked up, which seem to be universal and therefore are extremely important for life

1. No pooping in a public bathroom. 

I don't care if you've just eaten a whole packet of liquorice and washed it down with a carton of prune juice. I don't care if you've been prairie dogging all day. I just don't care. No pooping in a public bathroom. Just. Don't. Not only is it awkward for EVERYONE around you, who you are literally forcing to listen to you poop. But it is awkward and uncomfortable for every single following person who uses the stall for the rest of the day. And just downright unfair on the cleaner.

Don't do it.

2. Men: You are the big spoon.

Some advice from my good friend Ed

"It is completely un-chivalrous, as a man, to want to be the little spoon. Be a man. Cuddle that woman! I don't care if you get a dead arm, a face full of hair and an awkward boner... You just do it."

- Spoken like a true man

3. Women: Laugh at a man at your own peril.

Unless, of course, he's trying to be funny.

4. Luggage across countries.

The amount of extra weight you're allowed to take on board a plane has a simple formula:

Attractive male at counter + smiling and hair twirling = extra 5 kilo allowance

Unattractive male at counter + smiling and hair twirling = extra 10 kilo allowance

Fat lady at counter + smiling and hair twirling = minus 10 kilo allowance

5. Manners.

At the risk of sounding preachy, the importance of good manners cannot be exaggerated. 

Eating out? Keep your mouth closed when you chew.

Transport? Keep your legs together, bag on your lap or by your feet, and don't force the whole bus/train to listen to your conversation.

Accidental confrontation with ex in public space? Say a quick hello, or at least grin from the side of your mouth. Even if you only ever accidentally dated them.

6. Holding the door.

Analyse the appropriateness of this situation. If the person behind you is simply too far away, you're forcing them to do this awkward walk/run for the door and look up at you with forced appreciation as they grunt 'thanks' from behind a sweaty brow. That is less polite then just shutting the door behind you.

7. Appearance.

You can get away with looking bad. You can NEVER get away with smelling bad.

8. Phrases to use with extreme caution...

a) Wow. You look tired

b) How many calories are in this?

c) Are you pregnant? (This one should in fact NEVER be used unless you can ACTUALLY SEE THE BABY COMING OUT)

9. Swear Words.

Cussing has its time and place, but often you'll look better, win your argument, improve your vocab and save friendships if you refrain. Use the big impact words sparingly, and they'll have a bigger impact.

10. Expense.

Never buy an expensive: umbrella, dog or phone. You'll only lose it, have to deal with a whole bunch of inbred problems, or smash its screen. Honest. Also, I get completely paranoid when my smartphone stalls and takes ages for the screen to load. WHAT IF IT WAS AN EMERGENCY? WHAT IF I WAS STUCK IN AN AVALANCHE RIGHT NOW?? HOW WOULD I CALL FOR HELP??

On the other hand, don't skimp on things like: Good food, good times with friends, and a really good bra. The important things in life.

11. Extras.

If you pick at it, it wont heal.

If you want someone to like you, let them win.

Also, if in doubt, the milk is always off.

Tough. Mudder.

So... I figured I should write about it, seeing as I spent so much of the past 6 months bitching and whinging about the death run I embarked on yesterday.

TOUGH MUDDER!!!!

Whooo biatch!

The event itself was... completely exhausting and crazy. Just to get into the starting pen you had to scale a little wall, just to PROVE that you were ready for this. Like being there and paying all that money to participate wasn't enough anyway. The MC started screaming at us.
"ARE YOU READY MUDDERS!!!???? MUDDERS DO NOT WHINE!!!! MUDDERS HELP EACH OTHER!!!! THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOUR FINISHING TIME... THIS IS JUST ABOUT FINISHING!!!!"

And lord was it ever.

I guess, as tribute to all the trolley pushing and shopping bag lifting I did prior to the event, the first 10kms were pretty okay. The obstacles were mildly challenging, but not too exhausting. For example, the ice baths: They were seriously, SERIOUSLY cold. But only went for about 5 meters, so the torture didn't last too long.

These girls faces capture the experience perfectly.

Extra Ice added!!

There were Berlin walls, which started at 9" high and I needed the help of Joseph to get over. These got increasingly difficult in the 2nd half of the course when you were completely mud drenched, exhausted, and the height was increased to 12". This is where I got the majority of my scrapes and bruises, and would NOT have been able to do this if I didn't have some of my favourite guys boosting me up as easily as a mother bird boosts chunks into its baby's mouth. (I realise that's a disgusting comparison, but in all honesty, there is no other way to describe the speed at which I was moving, and simultaneously describe what I looked like that that point)

Thin steps only on the front side of the wall

All mudded up

War wounds

There were many other elements. A fire run, net climb, carrying a huge log of wood for 1/4th of a mile,  a greased half pipe, electrocution, underground tunnels, a plank to dive off. It was pretty intense.


The two which particularly come to mind as the craziest, most frightening and exhausting are as follows:



1) The electric eel

Premise: Crawl 30 meters on your belly, through wires which are periodically going to zap you with up to 10 000 volts.

I'm pretty sure this woman's face accurately depicts how I felt about this challenge.

This entire obstacle would have been terrifying enough. But literally as we were just about to go through it, the guy in front of me started having spasms. He started jerking violently from side to side and was groaning like a bull in heat.

"HELP!" he started screaming... "HELP!!!"

Then he just stopped moving all together.


People started to notice and were crying out for someone to help him. Some dumb lady was like...
"DO YOU STILL WANT TO CONTINUE???"
and I was like
"WHAT THE HELL LADY! JUST GET HIM OUTTA THERE!"

So they got him out, and he was conscious when they did. So I assume he was okay. Everyone was standing there, just watching in shock and horror. Suddenly one guy goes...

"...THE ELECTRICITY'S NOT ON!!"

and there was pandemonium.

Everyone dived in at once, trying to get to the other side before the organisers realised what was happening. I knelt down and pushed myself through, managing to get really good speed and slide about halfway. in fact I went TOO fast and caught up to Josh's feet.
He wasn't moving fast enough...
"GO! JOSH! GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO"
It was the screams of a crazy person.
The first shock got me about half way through. It just felt like a dull thump. I relaxed, thinking, if that's all there was to it, I'd be fine. The second shock hurt. It made me levitate  off the ground for just a small instant. James was at the other end, pulling me out before I could get zapped again, but then as I turned to pull Shaun out from behind me a shock which he received passed through me and threw me on the ground.

Lesson learned: Electricity is not fun.

1) Mud Mile

Premise: Wade through mud trenches which stretch on for a mile

I weep because there is no words I can use which will ever be able to express to you just how much mud there was.
I mean... you go into these things thinking there is going to be lot of mud. But in reality

  YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA JUST HOW MUCH MUD THERE IS GOING TO BE.

You've gotta hand it to these organisers. They've done their research. They had mud of all different consistencies throughout the challenge which kept things interesting but for this one in particular, the mud was like glue. Legitimately. I was moving as fast as I possibly could yet could only watch in disbelief as my limbs were operating in extreme slow motion. 

So energy sapping, so exhausting. So much mud.

As Patrick aptly described: "Mud in every orifice".

You know what though? We had to get through it together. There is no way one person could have done it on their own. And THAT is what Tough Mudder is about. It's about camaraderie and selflessness. Donating the reserves of your energy to help someone else through. And even if your shirt is so full of mud that it looks like you have 4 boobs instead of 2, hey, no one is judging. You leave your dignity at the door and then just enjoy the experience for what it is. :)

Some extra pictures:

electric therapy

Fire run

Fuck. You.

This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

This is why we can't have nice things

Let me just clarify.

By 'We' I mean me. And by 'nice things' I mean nutella.

Yes, like a recovering alcoholic I have been forced to make an executive decision about this spread made from angel diarrhoea. Because I cannot stop at just a little bit, I am not allowed to have ANY. EVER AGAIN.

EVER

EVER

EVER

EVER

It's the latest in a relatively new list I have made for myself. A list aptly titled:

 'Things I need to stop doing if I want to live'

The list includes:

- Stop shoving the Q tips so far into my ear.

You all do it too! I know you do! But did you know that you're not meant to put them anywhere NEAR your ear canal? My soon-to-be doctor friend Laura, informed me once that, as an inept, I should never attempt to put anything smaller than my elbow in my ear. The problem here is that it is so damn... satisfying. Sticking the little white stick in, swivelling it around gently inside. Feeling the slight resistance. “THAT'S YOU EAR WAX! I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE! I CAN HEAR YOU”. And then you take it out and admire your efforts. It's a strange mix of disgust and pride. I mean, it looks gross. But you (or at least I) always have the little thought of like...I made this. This is mine.

Almost like a baby.

- Stop anticipating the pedestrian walk light at busy city intersections

Ah traffic lights. The great equaliser.

I practised at the small ones first, until I thought I'd honed my skills. Soon I was skipping merrily across busy intersections in the city, thinking to the other pedestrians, Oh you silly fools! Don't you know it takes 3 seconds after the lights turn red for the little green man to awaken and glint as us? That's 3 seconds of your LIVES you will never get back.

And then the little green man would flash and I'd feel like the mother trucking pied piper as they all trooped after me, wishing they had my superior road crossing intuition.

I should probably stop doing this. Just in case one day I get it wrong

- Stop driving aroud without my P-plates.

When I first got my P's I was ecstatic. I grabbed a handful of them at the RTA and displayed them proudly. Nearly 2 years on and I am almost at the end of my provisional license years. Whether it be weather, smartass vandals, breakage or simply lost in the vortext which is the open road, somehow I have lost all my p-plates. And I'll be damned if I have to go pick some more up just before I get my full license.

I probably should though. I'll be pulled for an RBT at some point, be fined so hard that I'll be kicked out of home and forced to live on the strets. And die. Probably

The list is extensive. It also includes:

• Just buy a bus ticket at the 7/11 in Sydney like I'm supposed to, rather than consistently walking up to the bus drivers and asking for a ride. One day one of them will snap. And I mean in a serial killer way, not in a chariatable way.

• I must get over the idea that now I have brown knee high boots. Wearing them does not mean I have now automatically become a cowboy, and I may not take justice into my own hands wherever I see fit. Someone is going to seriously kick my ass one day

• Stop rolling my eyes whenever I heard my lecturer talk about 'tinkling glockenspiels'. I'm am paying for this course so it MUST be important dammit!
  
  
• Stop making eye contact with homeless people and not following through with giving them money
  
  
• stop thinking that I can take the stairs at uni. If I had actually trained for Tough Mudder as often as I've thought about training for it, I'd be fit enough to do this. But I haven't. SO I cannot.

I am telling you all this readers, you can can help keep me accountable. Many of the things on this list go against my most basic and primitive instinct and I'll need all the support I can get.

Songs to close your eyes to

Some times all you need is a dark room and a good, slow playlist.

Here you go.

WTF August

The beginning of this post:

Words I can never spell the first time correctly.

Diarrhoea.


There are others of course, but I realised this one when I was beginning my post below...

The REAL beginning of this post:

WTF August. Just be over already.

I don't know what it's been with this month. But seriously. Everyone seems to be having a breakdown, and I'm sure it's got nothing to do with private and personal life issues, but has something to do with the fact that this month. August 2012, is cursed.

Long term relationships breaking down left, right and centre, people dying, cats fighting, trains breaking down, depression, parents leaving to go to Russia, weight gain, diarrhoea (ey! Ey!) I'm convinced that my room is the exit to a worm hole which, on the other end, some hephalump is throwing clothes and books and general shit down, so no matter how much I clean, there is always not an ounce of floor space in my room for my feet to enjoy.

Seriously August. What are you trying to do to me?

A poetic interlude:

Here I have some advice

though I know you'll think twice

stick your tongue out and probably snigger.

But the moment you stop acting like such a dick

you'll find it will probably grow bigger

Back to the blog:

I've found myself having to be not only my own, but about 4 other people's therapist this month and so as a tribute to that time and energy, I'd like to immortalise some of the advice I have given myself and my patients. So that next time an August decides to descend on me and my friends, we can just head to this post and save ourselves a lot of time.

1. You are going to be okay. There will be more times in your life that you are happy and fulfilled than you've been sad right now.

2. Have you had any nutella yet?

3. Why do you still have coldplay on your itunes? Delete that shit. Also, Ed Sheeran and Adele. They're banished y'hear me? Banished.

4. Have you been bush dancing yet? If not. Why not.

5. Drink lots of tea. It is warm and soothing, and make you happy. But not too much dandelion tea. because that shit is a laxative.

So there you go. Elyse's top 5 tips for surviving a black month. Tried and tested remedies. You're all welcome. Just keep telling all the people you love that you love them (in a non creepy, stalker-ish way) and things will end up okay in the end.

Dear Cat

Dear Cat.

It's cold in this house and I have body heat you'd like to steal. But in the process of being a selfish, warmth grubbing thief, you actually turn into a hot waterbottle. Cat. You are a wizard.

Dear Cat.

When you're hungry you meow incessantly. In my ear. At 4am and 8am.
What you don't know is that I rely on you to wake me for both my witching hour bathroom dash, and my mid morning uni scramble.

Dear Cat.

You think you're pressuring me into getting up by walking up and down my back with your claws out, but really, its acupuncture. And I enjoy it. Kinda.

Dear Cat.

You were right. I did need comforting. But by sitting right on my bladder you have created a more desperate need, and for that I resent you.

Dear Cat.

My feet are wide and cold, but you are fat. In fact, tonight, you're just about the most perfect size you've ever been.