Crazy little thing...

I'm tired of pretending. I am tired of hiding my true inner nature. It's been leaking out a little more frequently these past few years, and so those who have only known me recently, like Stef Sullivan, might say that I don't even try to hide it at all.

But here it is.

I am a corn factory.

No. Not that kind of corn. Although I do love that kind of corn too.

But I mean corny-ness corn. The type of corn which makes most people want to shrivel up and cringe and be like, 'no...you did not just say that...'

The type of corn which may make some people uncomfortable with being my friend.

Its time to come out and admit that this is me:

I just have a lot of feelings

When I'm happy, I don't want to just be happy, I want to be GUSHING WITH HAPPINESS!! I want to grab peoples hands and spin them around, and look in their faces with a big looney tunes smile and just be like

'I'm sooooooooooooooo happy about this!!!!'

When I'm sad I want to be picturesquely sad. I want to wrap myself in a furry blanket and sit on the floor in front of a roaring furnace (note to self, buy furnace), with my hands around a mug of hot cocoa and weep salty tears in streaks down my face.

Does that make you want to vomit a little bit inside your mouth?

Too bad! I LOVE that!!

(note: if this makes you uncomfortable you may want to stop reading now. It just gets worse)

In fact.

I love love.

There. It's out there.

In the 20 years of existence when I have sought NOTHING but knowledge *cough, cough* I have come to the conclusion that being in love, loving people and being loved yourself are among the best and most important experiences you can have in this world. I also feel that todays society has made a mess of love. Love often gets confused with lust. Love is belittled by the enormous amounts of pop songs and stories which get factory pumped out all year round. Twilight killed love (I'm sorry 13 year old Elyse. But creepily watching someone sleep and a downright obsession with being with someone is not love).

Love needs its name cleared.

I am here today, to stick up for love.

Love is not restricted.

If you love someone, you just love them. Not even in a romantic sense. I'm sick of having to stop myself from saying that I love someone. You know what? I love...no... I LOVE my friends. Society has not constructed a word which doesn't make me bisexual in an extremely open relationship for how much I love my friends. Does that make sense? As in, society can't understand how someone can love both their male and female friends with such intensity that it doesn't become romantic.

SOCIETY IS WRONG.

Like Laura, the only teenager I have ever know who treated (and still treats) her parents the way they're meant to be treated. As friends, who have feelings and opinions, who have life lessons and wisdom, and who can be best friends. Bron, my oldest most fabulous friend. Everything about us is just perfect. I couldn't design someone I need more in my life. James. You are the epitome of the perfect human being. I can't even describe how much I admire you. Joel. You're the brother I never had. You've stuck up for me, got punched out for me, made a fool of me, laughed with me, helped me, I just...gahhhhh

I love you. I love you all. I love you so much.

To my sisters. Sara. We don't always get on. But we don't have to. I'd do anything for you and I still worship you in the way only a younger sister can worship her older one. Danielle. I don't know anyone funnier and more untouched by the world. You are sunshine and ice cream and the cool side of the pillow in summer.

Stef. I have never enjoyed the company of one person so much for so long. I laugh So. Much. When we're together. Alyse. You are so creative and determined and independent. I love to just watch you work and talk and decide. Oscar. I can't even think of words to describe you Oscar. You are everything you should be at this point of your life. Anthony. You, in all 7 billion whatever people in this world, are in the top ten of my favourite people. You just ARE. I can't even describe it. Shaun. Again, up there in my top ten favourite people. You enter a dark room and there is instantly light. Bill. You are so much happiness and fun inside one body. Its stupid. I am so excited to see you soon.

And my darling Jilly. I am excited to watch you grow up. I am so proud to be a part of your life. I just love talking to you!!!

GOD THERE ARE SO MANY MORE I CAN'T EVEN DESCRIBE. WHY CAN'T I STOP WRITING IN CAPS LOCK!!??!!??

Like my fantastic cousins. All of you!!! Chris and Nee and Tom and Matt and Dave and Ben and Alex and Nick. You're just all hilarious! So talented and sporty. I love every minute we spend together.

And the girls! I just adore you all! Rosie, who is doing the same course as me and makes me laugh every single day, Lucy who has defied everyone who ever called her weird and kept being on weird anyway. You. Are. So. Fabulous. Lizzy, who wants to adopt every single animal in the world. Katie and Bernie who are so talented! I JUST LOVE YOU GUYS.

And then my amazing overseas friends

Like Scott who doesn't realise how rare it is to meet a person who redefines who you want yourself to be in life. If I ever become something half decent, a solid 80% of that was inspired by you. Or Olivia. You're so passionate and emotional. Its such a beautiful thing. We both need to stop apologising for being like that. Its so beautiful and god given. Jennie, my fabulous roommate who broadened my horizons. You are so Jennie that I can't believe it. The beautiful Corinna. My god. If everyone could be a little less themselves and a little more Corinna then the world would be a much better place. Her partner in crime Carrie-anne. My god. If everyone was a little more like Carrie-anne and a little less themselves, this would be a much more terrifying world. You are crazy girl!Then there's my beautiful friend Katy. Finding her true strength in such a shitty time. And just...rising above it all in such an impressive form. Ric. You're so loveable, so stubborn, so easy to share banter with. Too easy to miss. I hate you for that. Trevor. All that I learned from you is invaluable and you've left a definable inprint in my itunes. Rachel. I wish we'd bonded even sooner than we did. We have so much in common. I can't wait to see you soon. You're such a free spirit.

I literally could go on, and on, and on, and on. And I haven't even started on my parents yet. Or my grandparents. Or my Aunts and Uncles. Or theatre people. Or netball people. Or camp people. Or HvZ people.

I just LOVE all of these people.

If I could put everyone together in a big house my life would be complete.

And of course, there's Jake. And I don't want to make this a big soppy love letter (because god know I send you enough of those) (its the drugs :P) but how that love sorted itself out into what this is, I'm not really sure. I'm learning so much from you but among a lot of things I'm learning how to be noble. And that is so exciting, and challenging and just....

uuugghh. I can't wait to see you.

Dear all. I'm not even going to apologise for this post. It is what it is: love. 

Latest Obsession - Game of Thrones

My family and close circle of friends will tell you, I'm kinda into fantasy films.

Okay. I lie.

I'm totally, embarrassingly obsessed with Lord of The Rings.

I once had a movie marathon where I forced about 10 of my friends to sit through all 3 movies, directors cut editions, back to back, without sleeping. I even brought down a squirt bottle of water to punish anyone who fell asleep, much like the way some people train their puppies.

(Needless to say, I don't have as many friends anymore)

I have done the Lord of the Rings tour in New Zealand and have a poster of New Zealand framed in my room marking all the Lord of the Rings filming sites.

I take unparalleled delight in using obscure movie references in my day to day life. For example, just this morning:

'Oh Jaz. You look so cure there at the door. 

But no. You can't come in. You hear that? You shall not pass!'

Or earlier, when I was home alone for 10 days as my family tramped off around the globe without me. Towards the end I took great delight in heading to the nearly empty cupboard and groaning in sorrow.

'We ain't had nothing but maggoty bread for three stinkin' dayyyysssss'

Making a trip to the bin regularly becomes an act of casting the rubbish 'back into the fiery chasm from whence it came' and poor Danielle is often thoroughly creeped out by being called 'my precious' and creepily stroked on the head.

So...Maybe I have some issues.

My point is. I love Lord of the Rings. But recently there has emerged a strong contender for the battle of my obsession.

Game of Thrones.

Not only does it have Sean Bean playing a fantastic, grimy, long haired, sword wielding lord (again) but it has horses and dragons and swords and torture and fire. Not to mention an extremely witty dwarf and the fact that at least for five of the main male leads I would happily let myself deliberately get locked in a tower or something just so that they could come and save me.

It's just like Lord of the Rings but with more politics and the sex scenes we always wanted to see between Aragorn and Arwen (or was that just me...)?

The point of all this is.

You know what? There is no point.

Just go watch both of these films/series and your life will be greatly enriched as you can clearly see mine has been. That is all.

Train Poetry

Whoever said commuting couldn't generate creativity?

Us

Let's ignore the fact we're ignorant

disregard our disrespect.

Let's cover our covetous nature

and not despise sin we detect.

For our minds are weak and wither

and we can't control our parts.

Like a tiny wooden sliver

fear finds ways to stab our hearts.

Here are those who are embittered

soft skin hides a shell of steel

see a world thats grey and littered

merchants tell us how to feel

And every insult that has hurt us

Every gift that silence stole

Every lie told ever deeper

Has left a scar upon our soul.

We are a people of forgetting

Never lessoned to forgive

and in the heart of life, this dark mess

We've forgotten how to live.

Teach me again the light of children

of magic worlds in dull of day.

When I've reached the brink of breaking

please reteach me how to play

Someone reach into our deepness

and pull out what is within

for I know there's goodness lurking

suck the poison from my skin.

In the cities and the country

banish shadows from our prayers

we surrendered far too meekly

and what was ours fast became theirs.

Now let us reclaim our freedom

Dust our hearts upon the shelves

find our thoughts, our words, our actions

And through this reclaim ourselves.

A Random Poem

No real reasoning as to why I wrote this, or why I'm putting this up here. But I did, and liked it, so I am.

The Alter

I'm sure now you'll disclose

as I seal and enclose

and prepare to surrender my heart.

If I have solved the riddle

which you fed me the middle

wish I could have begun from the start.

'Tis the jigsaw I fear

I will not lie my dear

I never was good at these things.

When it came to propose

I had heard I suppose

It had something to do with the rings?

You first caught me with eyes

of suspicion and lies

like a fish with a hook in my snout.

You undressed on my bed

'I surrender' you said

but I'll admit I was still filled with doubt.

And then you slowly drew

out of honey and dew

a silken laced, patterning web.

Where you wrapped me in tight

stole my heart from the light

and my soul I felt starting to ebb.

Numb in your embrace

you said 'fear not the space

that is now the dark hole in your chest.

For now you have me'

(in a voice so breathy)

'and I'll fill it with how I know best'.

And so now here I stand

subject to your command

and you smile your arsenic smile.

From behind your white veil

in a pure shade so pale

You'd admit that it reeks of denial

I look at your nails

with the smallest details

painted light as a dead baby's breath.

And the sweat it drips down

my back and I frown

As I realise I'm marrying death.

More Train Adventures

I'm on the train heading to uni.

Three lebanese guys and a girl get on at the other end of my carriage. They start talking really loudly and obnoxiously. We stop at Glenfield and one of them points out the window and goes.

'Oi. Dats Tessa'

'Oh f*ck man, you're right'

'She's such a slut man'

They start playing gangsta rap on their phones, because apparently they think that is what the rest of the carriage wants to hear too. I am just about to call out to them to turn their terrible music down when they turn it off themselves. Thank god. I realise how close I just came to being bashed.

Two more men enter the carriage. They look kinda like italian mobster bodyguards. They sit in the seats in front of me. They are wearing expensive gold sunglasses, a rolex, and thick gold bracelets. The Mafia. Definitely the Mafia.

I think. 'Well. At least they'll protect me if the lebs start playing their music again and I can't contain myself'

Then one of mobsters says to the other

'Hey. Do they still sell that sparkly toothpaste back home? Y'know. The one with the tube in the shape of a star? It like, glitters on your teeth and shit...”

I realise that I am in the crackhouse carriage. Again.

Work: Part 1. The Pharmacy

Once again, I have a serious amount of important work due tomorrow and so, once again, I find myself very inspired to blog.

I started work a few weeks ago at the Camden news agency. This has been wonderful for 3 reasons.

1. After living the last 20 years following a carefully designed graph which allowed me to ration out any birthday money I received with the steadily declining generosity of my parents, I suddenly find myself with more moolah than I know what to do with.
   
   
2. It has made me suddenly so determined to have a career at some point. Just a few months ago my life fallback plan was always, 'I'll just be a check out chick'. After having spent less than a month as a checkout chick I can safety say that this is (at least for me) no fall back plan at all. Unless of course, my life plan is to commit suicide at 35
   
   
3. I get to interact with some of the best and worst of Camden society from whom of which I have learnt many a life lesson. It's been great.

My job is of two parts.

Part 1: Working the register at the pharmacy

Part 2: Running the book store

Thankfully my shifts often alternate, because going from one to the other is a really nice breath of fresh air. Especially after working at the pharmacy. 

Stories of the Pharmacy

Life Lesson #1:

A lot of smelly people come by a pharmacy.

Not just smelly people.

Like. Stenchy people.

People who have decided that they are just so, so sick that they cannot shower or wear any deodorant before they come to get their medication. In fact, they can't even change the clothes which they've been sleeping in, vomiting in and just generally mooching about for around 2 weeks in. It is not uncommon for the smell to hang about for up to 15 minutes after these people have left. I honestly don't understand their mindset. It's like they're thinking It's okay, it's a pharmacy. They're used to sick people, They won't judge me.

On that note I would like to introduce

Life Lesson #2:

People think that because I work at a pharmacy, I won't, no, can't, judge you.

WRONG. You DO get judged. I AM JUDGING YOU. RIGHT NOW. STOP STINKING SO BAD. THANK YOU.

Also, next time you come in to pick up your prescription. PLEASE LEAVE YOUR FERRET IN THE CAR. It is NOT okay to wear it around your neck like a scarf then just laugh as it squirms and tries to escape and SHRED YOUR FACE OFF.

You and your 6 red headed, feral children are being judged.

If you decide not to wear shoes. Or a shirt. Or pants. You will be judged accordingly.

There. Now you are ALL aware.

If however, we are going through your prescriptions together, and I'm reading them aloud to make sure I've got them all, and I accidentally say really loudly and insensitively 'and this cream for vaginal warts?' you are well within your rights to shoot me a death glare and judge me. Oh. Judge away kind lady and thank you for not reporting me to my superior.

Again. I'm very, very sorry.

You are also well within your right to judge me when you're trying to buy condoms and I go bright red and drop them, and then drop all the change on the ground. Yup. I'd expect nothing less.

Life Lesson #3:

Some people just suck/pharmacies have too many 'health/diabetes/asthma/rewards' cards. They are confusing.

So this woman came up and was like.

Woman: I want this medication...OH! And I brought my health card

Me: Uh...oh...um...okay

I took the card from her and took it to the pharmacist on duty, Darren.

Me: Darren, what do I do with this card?

Darren: Well Elyse -

Woman: YOU JUST WRITE DOWN THE NUMBER AND GIVE IT BACK TO ME

Darren: Well, no, you need to give it to me and then I'll...

Woman: No you don't

Darren: um. Yes...I need to put.

Woman: THEN JUST GIVE ME BACK THE CARD, THE SCRIPT, EVERYTHING. I'll take my business ELSEWHERE.

Darren: OKAY. DEAL.

I handed the lady back her card, she snatches it out of my hand and storms off. Darren and I look at each other in utter bewilderment.

There is a long pause and then Darren shakes his head

Darren: The crazies are out in force today... oh well. At least we get paid by the hour.

Stuck on a Train When You Need to go to the Bathroom

I call this piece, 'Stuck on a Train When You Need to go to the Bathroom' because right at this moment as I'm writing it, I'm stuck on a train, and I need to use a bathroom. We've been stuck here on this train for over an hour. Just sitting here casually. Actually, now that I'm looking at the time I would say it's been more like 2 hours.

'Mechanical failures' they call it. I think it's more like some 'human failure'. Trains don't just break down out of the blue. Some inspector somewhere along the line just didn't do his job, missed something important or did something wrong. There is human error involved SOMEWHERE along the line! STOP TRYING TO AVOID THE BLAME.

My mp3 player has run out of battery during my wait here. That's a REAL mechanical failure for you. I don't mind if I miss class so much. But when I have to miss class and can't listen to the music I want to... Someone is going to get shot.

OH WAIT! They're making an announcement!

They've had to take the front 4 carriages of the train off and are going to move them. Then, we're going to have to wait until they get another driver to move us. I think?! Oh city rail. You've done it again.

Anyway.

I guess when you're stuck in a carriage like this you begin to appreciate all the people around you a little bit more. There are 11 other people in here with me. This may be a bit of a stretch but, I'm going to say that we've become like family during this time.

Oh, don't get me wrong. We haven't even spoken to one another. But we've all shared the roll of the eyes as the train first stopped, the frustrated clench of eyebrows as time ticked on, the nervous chuckle as our carriage rolled back and forth, hitting the two carriages on either side of us and now, finally, the long, loud expulsion of air that comes from just being bored and frustrated.

So there's a guy about my age sitting at the front of the carriage. He looks a bit like Cameron Locke from high school but I don't think he's autistic. Maybe he is? He seems very fidgety. He keeps looking at me as if I'm supposed to know. 'What?' I want to ask him. 'What am I supposed to know? You think I can fix this? I'm sorry. I can't. Stop scratching your head, stop twisting your body around. Stop looking at me and just find a comfortable spot against the window like the rest of us have. I'm sorry your ipod has run out of battery too. I know. 'Mechanical failure'.

Why, why did I drink two bottles of water before getting on this train. WHY!?

There is a guard walking around now with water. I can hear him saying

'Who can I give the water to?'

It's just like the tap dripping scenario. They're doing this deliberately I know it. All anyone is saying around here is 'water, water, gushing, peeing...'

Someone else just said something and then the guard replied

'Nah, because then that becomes discrimination'

This whole situation is now just ridiculous. I wonder what the other guy's suggestion was. Only give the water to old people? Only to black people? I can't imagine that just giving the bottles of water to thirsty people would be a discrimination issue? Why are they even bothering with water? We all walk around in a constant state of dehydration anyway. I'd rather them provide us with... y'know...a portaloo or something. Or like, just work out how to fix the bloody train. Yup. That would be much better than worrying about who gets the water.

God I need to use a bathroom

Needless to say, I will not be making it to my douchebag rampant class today