Nonchalant Castles (and 3 other British things)

I've been in Britain for less than 48hrs and here are some of my observations so far

1. Nonchalant Castles.

For me, an Australian with such measly national history, a castle is a big deal. I could sit and look at it all day - let alone how long I would take to explore inside. The architecture, the history, the people who once lived there... uuurrrghhh...I just really, really love castles. 

So catching the bus from England to Wales was a serious experience for me. I'd be looking out one window at a village going past, and then suddenly, I'd look over out the other one and...

BAM. Castle.

And they're not even like... a big deal. I saw a small farm house on a paddock, and then in the backyard, literally about 10 metres from the backdoor, was this ruin of a tower. It's like the people in the house were just like... yeah, we have a piece of history older than your entire country in our backyard...so what? 

Something like that in Australia would be a national landmark but here they're just casually scattered around. 

2. No one does ugly like the British men do ugly.

I don't know exactly why. But some British men just really make an art form of being kinda ugly. Of course, there are ugly people everywhere, and on that same note, everyone is beautiful to someone. But I think people understand what I mean when I say that there is a certain type of British man who is just very...well... British. 

3. Christmas would be better if it was cold.

There are still Christmas decorations up here and it's awesome. There's nothing more you want to see when it's cold and windy than a street with its trees lit up with fairy lights. I'm in Cardiff at the moment and the city still has its Christmas markets up. They're selling mulled wine and hot cider on the streets, cooking big bratwurst sausages on an open fire and letting the smell waft through the cold air of the shopping square. It's perfect. I never thought we were but it's true - we in Australia are missing out, not to mention that everything tastes better when it's cold outside too

4. I will never get tired of cobbled streets.

I don't care if I keep tripping over them, or had to painfully lug my suitcases over them for miles... All I have to do is look back over my shoulder at the street I just passed through and I'm like.... ahhhhh.

The Tale of the Pigs Head

The Story of the Pigs Head.

For my 21^st Birthday party I had a Lord of the Rings/Game of Thrones theme. We went all out: costumes, themed drinks, decorations, dace paint, celtic music… the whole shebang.

Including a pigs head as decoration in the center of the table.

The party was amazing. I completely underestimated JUST how hysterical I would get seeing all my friends rock up dressed as my ultimate favourite characters from my ultimate favourite movies. The pigs head completely topped it off though and made the whole thing seem so… real.

Anyway. The next day involved a massive clean up etc and I remember mum saying halfway through…

‘Did someone grab the pigs head?’

And my dad, clearly replying.

‘Yep. I did’.

So… you’d think that would be it right? Like… Pigs head officially taken care of?

The next day was 37 degrees and I was home alone. I spent the entire day vegged out in front of the T.V and when Mum got home that afternoon her first words at the front door were.

‘Euurgh… what is that smell?’

I got up and went outside to investigate.

Now that she’d mentioned it, the stench was impossible to ignore. We went on a hunt and it didn’t take us long to discover the source. The pigs head. It had been left, wrapped up in a big plastic bag (which was now dripping) in the full heat of the sun and was letting off the filthiest, most putrid reek anyone has ever encountered. It even had maggots.

So.

I had to lift the dripping bag (dripping with WHAT exactly? Pig juice?) put it into several more bags to stem the flow. Then we got straight into the car, I was hanging out the window initially, trying to hold the pigs head as far away from me as physically possible. 

But it was SO heavy. A big hunk of boar head! So eventually I had to SIT WITH THIS THING ON MY LAP until we made it to the dump.

Which wasn’t open.

So mum and I illegally dumped it and sped away.

What Your Christmas Lights Say About You.

Welcome to the Christmas season my friends... it's time to pick a side.

And then... the side you've chosen is usually expressed by the lights you choose to put around your house. It's a daunting time in life! Your amount of 'Christmas cheer' is about to be broadcast to all your family and friends whether you like it or not!! So... I've created a quick guide to assist in the process and help keep all our usual societal norms in check.

Stage 1. 'Grinchin'

What it says: 'Oh...what's that? The only time of the year that it's acceptable to be a complete dag and decorate our house in irrelevant lights? 

NO.

I never participated in p.e. at school... I'll be damned if I start being a team player now. Screw you 'community'! Bah humbug'.

Stage 2. 'Minimum effort'

What it says: 'Oh god, everyone's gonna realise I'm a total jackass if I don't put SOMETHING up. I might just wrap some lights around the dumb palm tree I have outside my place a couple times. That should do it. By the way, i'm also really insecure (Or also, I'm just really old and I have about ten cats)'

Stage 3. 'The  Happy Elf'

What it says: 'I'm going to be first to put my lights out this year... spread the christmas spirit!!! Oh, what's that? I also put some lights on the chimney for 'Santa'!! Ho! Ho! Ho! hahaha. Aren't I a classic!!?? I even bought some of those 'waterfall' lights this year!!! You know the ones!! They look like they're falling! But they're NOT!!!! WOW!!! CAN I POSSIBLY USE ENOUGH EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!!?? I AM JUST SO EXCITED FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!'.

Stage 4: The Douche

                                  

What it says: 'I've spent way too long planning this. Unless my house can be seen from space I will regard this Christmas as a complete failure. Screw you 'light pollution regulation'. When Betty sees this she's going to regret leaving me for John from accounting for sure. My kids wish I paid this much attention to one single aspect of their lives. I won. I won the Christmas light competition. I am a WINNER'.