The time a cockroach flew into my mouth

Two very important things happened to me this week. One of them hilarious. One of them incredibly disturbing.

This hilarious one barely even requires a story. The blurry picture below should explain. Some genius went and printed this little guy out and put it on every bus stop along Epping road last week. Making my journey home from uni just a continuous series of chuckles. 

God bless you hilarious stranger, whoever you are.

The second story of this post takes a dire turn.

I was at work. We were just about to close the shop when this huge bug flew inside.

What is that? I asked Jo and Flavia. It looked like a huge moth.

It was not a moth. 

It was a cockroach.

A huge mother of god, flying cockroach, as long as my index finger.

Flavia, in all her Brazillian glory, shrieked and ran for the store room, closing the door sharply behind her. 

Jo and I looked at one another.

The cockroach hovered between us awkwardly as if trying to make up its mind. 

And then it did.

It chose me.

I reacted instinctively.

I jumped at it and swiped it with my hand, trying to bat it out of the store, narrowing avoiding Jacobs Creek's finest merlot. I missed. I changed tactics, swapping my angle and trying to simply bat it to the floor instead of back out into the night. I lunged and hit it with my hand. Nothing. The cockroach still hovered, ducked and weaved in the air above me. I smashed at it again, I hit it again! Still nothing. Somehow this incredible creature was INDESTRUCTIBLE. 

The third time I hit it the cockroach finally faltered. 

As in, it decided to stop flapping its revolting roachy wings and just plumet towards the ground.

The ground being my open mouth.

I realised all too late the trajectory of the roach missile. I tried to move my hands to try to block its path but it was like moving in slow motion, like when you're having one of those dreams when you're running away from a great night terror and it feels like your limbs have been encased in concrete. There was just no stopping it. 

And the largest, most revolting cockroach I've ever seen flew into my mouth.