The time a cockroach flew into my mouth

Two very important things happened to me this week. One of them hilarious. One of them incredibly disturbing.

This hilarious one barely even requires a story. The blurry picture below should explain. Some genius went and printed this little guy out and put it on every bus stop along Epping road last week. Making my journey home from uni just a continuous series of chuckles. 

God bless you hilarious stranger, whoever you are.

The second story of this post takes a dire turn.

I was at work. We were just about to close the shop when this huge bug flew inside.

What is that? I asked Jo and Flavia. It looked like a huge moth.

It was not a moth. 

It was a cockroach.

A huge mother of god, flying cockroach, as long as my index finger.

Flavia, in all her Brazillian glory, shrieked and ran for the store room, closing the door sharply behind her. 

Jo and I looked at one another.

The cockroach hovered between us awkwardly as if trying to make up its mind. 

And then it did.

It chose me.

I reacted instinctively.

I jumped at it and swiped it with my hand, trying to bat it out of the store, narrowing avoiding Jacobs Creek's finest merlot. I missed. I changed tactics, swapping my angle and trying to simply bat it to the floor instead of back out into the night. I lunged and hit it with my hand. Nothing. The cockroach still hovered, ducked and weaved in the air above me. I smashed at it again, I hit it again! Still nothing. Somehow this incredible creature was INDESTRUCTIBLE. 

The third time I hit it the cockroach finally faltered. 

As in, it decided to stop flapping its revolting roachy wings and just plumet towards the ground.

The ground being my open mouth.

I realised all too late the trajectory of the roach missile. I tried to move my hands to try to block its path but it was like moving in slow motion, like when you're having one of those dreams when you're running away from a great night terror and it feels like your limbs have been encased in concrete. There was just no stopping it. 

And the largest, most revolting cockroach I've ever seen flew into my mouth.

Elyse Becomes Moderately Functional

Let this post be a beacon of hope to all twenty-somethings out there kicking off on their own for the first time. If Elyse can do it. So can you.

This past week has been the POLAR OPPOSITE of last week, a week in which by Wednesday I was already running back for the safety of the 'Den and Mumma Hen Glynn with my tail between my legs.

After a week of wrong turns, where every decision I made seem to run from bad to worse until eventually I had to completely stop, look in the mirror (at the haggardly, hagrid-like reflection I saw there) and be like.... Elyse... what the eff are you DOING??? 

On the functionality chart I was bordering somewhere between earthworm and troll. I am proud to announce that there has been a dramatic turn around and for the time being I am at least at level Albatross/Ginny Weasley.

This week has been full of achievements, the most major one being that I didn't end up accidentally killing myself – something which I am pretty sure would have happened last week if I hadn't taken some SERIOUS TIME OUT and worked out exactly what I had to do to fulfil the requirements of becoming an adult. Let me tell you my friends, if being an adult was considered some kind of team, then I would have won the MVP award this week.

Not only did a customer come in on Sunday and compliment me on the great job I did with handling that DOUCHE BAG last week. But I also remembered to take my MOTHER FREAKING GREEN BAG TO THE MOTHER FREAKING SUPERMARKET.

'YOU ARE WELCOME MOTHER NATURE' I thought in allcaps to myself, followed closely by, 'God, I'm so good at this maturity stuff!!'

I've been followed around by this yellow glow of happiness this whole week, literally vomiting it upon people and places I touch. The bus for example....

WHICH (might I add) I MANAGED TO CATCH THE RIGHT ONE EVERY SINGLE TIME THIS WEEK. WHAT A BAMF!!!!

I feel like I've been consistently reenacting those great lines from the Queen classic 'We are the Champions'

...I've had my share of sand kicked in my face but I never LOOOOOOOOOOOOSE!!!!!!

That's right everyone. You are now looking at a girl (woman!!!???) who can now hold down a job, do a Masters degree, catch the bus and COOK FISH FINGERS.... wait for it... IN THE OVEN!!!!

Also, I didn't go on the horribly awkward 'deceptively-old-full-time-busker-who-rude-pashed-me' date this week (which in all honesty could be a blog post unto itself!)

LIFE HAS BEEN GOOD TO ME.

Next step, doing it with some kind of modesty and not high fiving myself in the street like an absolute loser when I do something right.