There once was an ice maker who lived inside of a modest little freezer, in a small village deep in the smoky mountains of North Carolina.
She was an ambitious little ice maker and, having had rested up well over the summer, was excited about making a good first impression on her new residents. So, as soon as the power was turned on again she began to create and sculpt her ice blocks into many identical, crescent moons. They were constructed so lovingly, with the rounded curve being especially smooth and shiny. She was very pleased with her work and lo and behold, so were her new residents! When the freezer door opened for the first time that year and the ice maker got her first look at her new friends she could see them smiling and happy.
'Yay! Look! An ice maker! Sweet!'
The ice maker couldn't understand the words but she knew what the happy faces meant and it made her cold, icy heart shiver in delight. Desperate to impress she began to go on over drive. Day and night she worked frantically. Creating more and more ice. It was all she could do, all she could provide for her new friends, and she was determined to do it well. When the freezer door next opened the ice maker looked up, eagerly anticipating her new friends joy at seeing the new ice she had made, so much ice in fact that the ice container was almost over flowing. Instead however, the girl had a little worried look on her face and quickly shut the door again.
Soon after the door opened again. The girl had returned, but there were others with her now. She was gesturing a little frantically and was shaking her head.
Not enough ice! realised the ice maker. They must be having a party and needed ice galore! And so the ice maker put her heart and soul to work. She was not disturbed at all for the next week and so worked night and day, exhausting herself utterly. It'll be worth it, she thought to herself, my new friends will be so happy, so grateful, so joyous. My name and my deeds will be passed down through the ages. Students all over WCU will be jealous, each one wishing to have an ice maker such as I.
When the freezer was next opened, the columns and columns of ice that the ice maker had prepared came flooding out. They landed on the girls feet and piled up to her ankles. All the food they had put into the freezer was drowned in ice, encased in bricks of melted and refrozen ice. There was ice on the bread, ice protecting the chicken, ice crystallising the ice cream.
There. sighed the ice maker. If that's not enough ice then I don't know what is.
And the girl was so happy! she smacked her forehead (gloriously?) repeatedly and reached around inside the freezer, removing the food objects (obviously to make way for more ice!). The ice maker had never felt so joyous! Suddenly, she noticed something. The girl was trying to claw away the case of ice which was covering the ice makers controls. TRYING TO TURN THE ICE MAKER OFF!!??
WHYYYYYY!!!!!!!??????
The ice maker sobbed as the girl tried to work her way desperately through the thick layer of ice which was protecting the off button. The ice maker almost didn't notice. She was lost in her own little world of devastation.
She had never been more than obedient, an over achiever, a beacon for ice makers everywhere! She felt so hurt and broken. Soon however, her hurt turned to anger and then her thoughts turned to vengeance Her friends had BETRAYED HER!
With a roar of fury the ice maker attacked, filling the kitchen with ice, so much ice! The girl was pushed back violently and desperately tried to shut the door with her feet. But there was too much ice in the doorway! The war was truly on. As the girl tried to clear the doorway the ice machine rained icy pellets of doom down upon her. Finally, FINALLY the girl cleared the doorway and shut the door, breathing heavily. And so the ice maker waits, biding its time for when the door will next be opened...
It was a Saturday morning.
I had just had class in the Belk building and had decided to stay there until word of the final mission was e-mailed out. It was more central and had more exits than my little Village house - and it had computers.
We remaining humans (15 of us) were all separately receiving txts with clues for the final mission and were being told to collaborate with each other to work it out. My clue was:
'You will have to be handsy with the opposition'
Feeling frantic, hands shaking with adrenaline, I posted my number on the facebook page with a desperate cry out to the other humans.
'We need to communicate! txt me!'
The texts started flooding coming in.
'This is Eric, I'm with Shana and Jerrica. We're working out the clues now'.
'This is James. I've left home and am heading over the Ramsey now'
'Hey. It's Richie. I'm sitting alone in the dining hall. Where are you? have you heard anything about the mission?"
I was in a texting flurry! My fingers felt clumsy and and awkward as I tried to text a million people at once.
'This is my clue! I'm hiding in Belk! The mission starts at 2! I'll let you know if I hear anything else!'
Then I got a message from Scott. Scott my friend. The zombie.
'You're not getting out'
(cue music - this is actually what came on my mp3 player at this time. No joke)
THEY KNEW WHERE I WAS!
I couldn't control my fear. Despite my precautions I was surrounded. I texted James in a flurry.
'James! Do you know what the mission is? Can you help me? I'm surrounded and trapped!!'
His response sent my blood cold.
'I. Am. Zombie.'
James had fallen.
Then I got a text from Eric.
'We have to stun and transport a zombie to Reynolds. Meet at Reynolds'
Poor Richie was totally without a computer and begging for information. I passed on the mission details then said.
'Come to Belk, help me stun the zombies and we'll head up together'.
His response was disheartening.
'Belk is completely surrounded by zombies. I can't even get past Balsam'
I decided to make a run for it.
Heart pounding, I scoured the exits. Looking out a 2nd storey window, I saw that a side door was completely free. I sprinted down the fire stairs and then calmed myself before heading out the door.
I ran straight into a zombie.
It took us both a moment to comprehend one another. Then, we both dropped into a kind of crouch and began circling, like squirrels about to fight over a testosterone injected acorn.
I had the advantage however and he soon realised it. He was a lone zombie simply following orders. I was a cornered, terrified human, with a bazillion sock balls at my disposal. He began to inch his way back to the path which would lead him to his friends. I ran and blocked him off. With his options gone he began to advance on me. I threw a sockball. He dodged. It missed! I threw another. He jumped to the side but not far enough. It caught him in the hip.
'Damn'.
'YESSSSS!'
I ran to pick it up just as he ran past me bellowing,
'HUUUUUMAN!!!!!! HUUUUUUMANNNNN!!!!!'
My stomach dropped and I turned and ran. I ran and ran and ran. I headed towards the football field. There was a game on and so there were crowds in the parking lot. I reasoned that I could blend in with them but after a while I realised the inevitable. I would have to go back. I had to get to Reynolds. So, trying to appear nonchalant, I made my way back to Belk, the other side this time. As I reached it I saw two more zombies up ahead. They were distracted though. They were both peering intently up to the 2nd storey window of Belk. I did not change my rhythm. Subtly, I reached into my pockets and stroked my sockballs.
Soon my pretties soon.
The two zombies finally saw me when I was maybe 2 meters away. By then it was too late. A sockball each to the chest and they were both stunned. The humans inside were free.
I resumed running. The blood freezing cry had gone up again.
'HUUUUMAN!!!!'
except this time (and admittedly it was probably the adrenaline talking) it sounded more like a frustrated, angry, retarded bull.
'BBBBLOOOOOGGGGGAAAAAAMMMMMMNDFSD&R$*R&*WFW!!!!!"
was what I heard - but I knew what they meant, and so I started to sprint.
OH GOD, OH GOD, OH GOD.
I didn't need to look behind me to see a pack of at least 6 chasing me. Up ahead there was a group of 6 more, crossing the road to cut me off. I crossed the road early and ran for a church building, intending to run up the mountain path. The angle I chose took me out of sight of both groups for maybe 20 seconds and in that moment I made a life defining decision.
-They had seen me make a direct beeline for the mountain path. They knew where I was going. So instead, I took 6 steps backwards, back to the road, and huddled beneath some bushes beside the footpath. The 6 zombies who had been behind me reached the mountain path-
'She was heading this way!'
They called and they took the path. All they would have had to do was turn their head 90 degrees and they would have seen me. Two others walked along the footpath, passing literally 30 cm from me and my wheezing lungs.
After I calmed myself I reached for my phone. I had a text from Richie.
'Where are you?'
'I've left Belk' I replied. 'I'm headed for Reynolds'
'Ya. I heard someone stunned all the zombies'
I felt a rush of accomplishment.
'That was me!!!'
Then I got a text from Eric
'Come to Benton'
Benton is a residence hall not as far up the mountain as Reynolds and so sneakily, I began making my way there. I didn't see any more zombies. They were all by the fountain, plotting. When I reached Benton I texted Eric.
'I'm here. Let me in!'
'We thought you were still in Belk so we're down in Blueridge' (a residence hall next to Belk)
I had literally JUST come from there! Basically we had just swapped sides of the map. SOOOO frustrating! I replied to Eric that I would come back down, I was just waiting for Richie. Then I texted Richie saying
'Come meet me at Benton'
And he replied that he would.
So I waited. and waited and waited and waited. I kept receiving reports from Eric who I realised now was with the last group of remaining humans. Of the 15 of us who had started there were only 5 of them left. And then Richie and I.
I texted Richie again.
'Where are you?'
'Coming round the side, too many zombies in the middle'
I waited and waited and waited some more. I was starting to get freaked out. I was too exposed. If the horde found me there was nowhere I could run to. Also. there was pressure from Eric and the others to get moving. I texted Richie again.
'Are you coming out near Central?'
'Ya. Be there soon'
Then I got a text from Eric which made my spine freeze.
'I heard Richie just got turned Zombie'.
Frantically I texted my friend.
'Still human?'
I died a little inside when I received the response.
'Nope... and one more thing...'.
Something else? Something worse?
'Oh god. What?'
'This isn't Richie...
he just died in front of me...'
I died a little, actually a lot, inside.
The fact is that while there was indeed a human called Richie playing, he and I had never corresponded once during the entire game. A Zombie by the name of 'Rabbit' had taken my number off Facebook and has used it to exploit me. I had told him the mission, the position of my fellow humans and my own. THAT'S HOW THEY HAD KNOWN I WAS IN BELK!!! There was no 'poor' Richie trapped in the dining hall, computer-less, sockball-less, companion-less... there was just Rabbit and the other 24 Zombies receiving every single secret detail of our mission - from me.
Humiliated and angry as hell I left Benton and made my way to Blueridge to meet with the other humans. They had a zombie stunned and ready to transport. We took a long winding way out of the building, avoiding the zombies altogether. We took the mountain path and were halfway up when Eric received another text.
'Instead of Reynolds, go to the Track and Field track'
So, with much swearing and great frustration, we turned around and headed to the other end of campus. We saw not a single zombie. Things were quiet...Too quite.
We reached the track and field stadium. There was no one there. We girls stayed with the zombie while the boys scouted out the area. We were looking for the 'scientist' but could see no one. Tired and angry, Eric texted the directors and we were told to spread out and look harder. We left the field and began to follow a running track beside the creek. Suddenly, as I looked over to my right, I saw a group of five people running along the mountain ridge by Norton. They were far away but even from that distance I could make out the yellow bandana. Zombies!
They were running to try to cut us off.
I don't know which happened first. Either we saw 'The Scientist' standing inside a circle of cones, the 'safe zone' under a tree and began to move towards him. Or we heard the horn, true Lord of the Rings style blowing from behind us. We turned and saw every last remaining zombie spread out over the hill behind us, charging, with an enormous American flag waving behind them, silhouetted spectacularly, ominously, by the sun. There has never been a more dramatic, movie scripted moment in my entire life.
Notice that I peed myself a little in fear...
'RUUUUUUUUN!!!!!!'
and, with our captured zombie in tow, we bloody well ran.
Of the 120 players who had begun the week earlier, 15 humans survived until the final Saturday. 6 of us made it to the safe zone and won the game for humans everywhere.
Those who know me well will know that I occasionally go through weird food obsessions. A bit like the bird man (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0XM3vWJmpfo) except for instead of putting a bird on everything to make it better there was the feta cheese phase, the BBQ sauce phase, the couscous phase, the porridge phase and now, finally, we've arrived at the mustard.
I've always liked mustard.
From the time when my taste buds became sophisticated enough not to think that anything which was not coco pops was devil food I've enjoyed the tang of mustard. A little bit on my turkey sandwich every now and again.
Then I came to America.
In my house we share a kitchen and inside the fridge is are communal tubs (jar, bottle, whatever squeezy thing...) of tomato sauce and mustard. The tomato sauce one comes out properly. Like, in an even, steady, predictable flow. The mustard, not so much.
At first I was like,
'oh. wow. so much mustard'
But the third or fourth time this happened to me, I must have evolved to not notice it as much. In fact, it became a bit like
'Hmm! So much mustard!'
and then eventually
'why you no more mustard?'
I didn't even realise what a problem it was becoming.
Having a sandwich? Put some mustard on it. Scrambling some eggs? Mustard those babies up! Let's just eat some mustard directly off the spoon! Yeah! Great idea!!
Then I began experimenting.
I didn't realise how much of a problem it was becoming until the other night when I ate two dinners just so that I could put mustard on the top. Eventually I just got a pile of spinach leaves, shredded up a few slices of turkey and doused them in mustard. After I finished that I did the same again, this time without the turkey. I made extra sure to get mustard on the plate so that I could lick it clean when I'd finished the spinach. And boy did I ever.
For dinner today I bought a salad from Chik-Fil-A. And then I put mustard on it, totally engrossed in my task, oblivious to everyone dry retching around me.
I finally realised that I had a problem tonight when I was making myself some baked beans and while they were in the microwave I was like, 'Y'know what these need? some mustard'.
So yes.
That's the story of my battle with the mustard.
I'm sure it will pass. All my food fads eventually do.
